Open circuit
This month a robot bartender was unveiled at the Bullring in Birmingham. Its makers claim it has numerous benefits over human bar staff - not only does it not have to be paid even the pitiful wages of the service sector, it doesn't take toilet breaks, never complains and is always polite and courteous to customers. All of which made Open Circuit wonder: how might robots prove useful in other roles in life?
The robot boss
Part of the appeal of robots is that they can be programmed to behave in a logical, consistent way - unlike many of the UK's bosses, who exhibit bizarre character traits ranging from unwarranted megalomania to an inability to express themselves in anything other than drivelling management-speak. Thus the robot boss would NOT:
- Say things like: "It's time to action the blue skies thinking 110%, or we'll be up to our elbows in alligators!"
- Base all their professional decisions on completely arbitrary factors, eg. whether the female person they're dealing with is wearing a tight top.
• Triumphantly proclaim "Revenues are up 50%!" while neglecting to mention that the company is making hideous losses*.
The robot dad
Even the most loving parent sometimes needs time off from their kids, and as such a robot dad would be a godsend for harassed dads everywhere (not to mention being a rather more reliable substitute for feckless absent fathers). A robot dad would use exactly the same vital parenting skills as real dads, such as:
Somehow finding the least interesting destinations imaginable for family days out, eg. the Warwick Museum of Snuff Boxes
Endlessly reminding children that young people today have got it easy, as though their own childhood would have made Oliver Twist - or indeed Anne Frank - count their lucky stars
Telling the same unfunny ‘joke' at any and every opportunity (eg. "If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it'd be curtains for us all!")
Personal answering service robot
Arguably the greatest strength of robots is that they can endure harsh and brutal conditions uncomplainingly, something that would make them ideal for dealing with time wasting phone calls. The personal answering service robot would politely field such tedious calls as:
The telesales halfwit who seems to believe that after a hard day's work there's nothing you'd like to do more than let your dinner go cold while you discuss changing electricity supplier at 8.40pm.
Insanely trivial questions from your mum. For some reason mums have a burning desire to ask trivial and irrelevant questions. If, for example, you happen to tell your mum you've just won £40 million on the lottery, it's entirely likely her first question will be: "Oh. D'you think you'll be buying some new trousers then?"
Any bitter ex-partner phoning for seemingly harmless reasons (eg. whether you want an old Blur CD back) which is really just a thinly veiled ploy to point out how vastly inferior you are to their current partner.
Robot bus drivers
Fully automated vehicles have long been a staple of science fiction, and robot bus drivers would have a distinct advantage over their carbon-based counterparts: they would not harbour a deep-seated hatred of people. Thus, unlike human bus drivers, robot bus drivers would not:
- Refuse to let you on the bus because you're 2p short of the full fare
- Look at you as though you're Gary Glitter if you happen to ring the bell at the wrong stop then not get off
- Blithely drive past waiting passengers at a bus stop in a bus that is clearly less than a fifth full
• Badmouth a harassed mum struggling with a pushchair because she takes longer than four seconds to find her Oyster card but do absolutely nothing while a gang of teenage thugs terrorises everyone on the top deck
*Actual, real-life example
Share this article with others
Post to del.icio.us
Printed from http://www.electricalreview.co.uk/features/118060/Open_circuit.html
Comment on this article
Skip to comments
We encourage users to analyse, comment on and even challenge Electrical Review's articles, including the one above - 'Open circuit'
User reviews and comments that include profanity or personal attacks or other inappropriate comments or material will be removed from the site.
Additionally, entries that are unsigned or contain "signatures" by someone other than the actual author will be removed. We will take steps to block users who violate any of our posting standards, terms of use or privacy policies or any other policies governing this site.